Cold and Honest Thoughts on Gum

Hello Readers,

There are really two schools of thought concerning gum; to share when asked and to share as a public service. “Share when asked” people pack their gum around like its meth and all their friends are cops. For some reason gum doesn't exist in the public mind until it’s visible. I never even think about having gum, wanting gum, needing gum, until someone starts opening a box. Then suddenly I’m asking for some without even thinking about it, along with the twenty other people who were in their own little worlds before the gum appeared. And don’t kid yourself, if you’re not outright asking for some, you’re wishing really hard that whoever has the gum would just notice how gumless you are and give you some. When we get really desperate we'll drop vague hints like,”Hey, what flavor is that?” or just playfully steal the box and run for our lives until the owner of the gum (usually someone in better shape) tackles us to the ground.

If you share gum as a public service, you’re a master of the subtle insult. This is something so completely opposite of the normal way to treat having gum that there has to be some ulterior motive. When you say, “Hey, you want some gum?” what you’re really saying is, “Hey, you just ate garlic crusted chicken and I don’t get out of this date for another two hours, eat some gum or give me a gas mask.” Public service sharing is really quite selfish if you think too long about it. You’re so concerned about the quality of air you’re breathing that you take it upon yourself to clean up the air one bad breath bomb at a time. Then again, who would ever turn down gum when it’s offered, even if it is because your breath could strip paint off a wall? No one. Ever.